in denial

gary's 10-day official leave before deployment just ended, and he's back in texas while i'm left here in california. he's getting shipped out next week, and things have just been crazy. we've heard non-stop of how difficult deployment could be but we always brushed it off, thinking two years of long distance relationship prepared us for it. not.

we've been fighting and fighting about the smallest stuff (of course he can't beat me on the being difficult factor, but he's a mess too). the uncertainty of the coming year is so heavy that instead of spending quality time together, we just chose to annoy each other endlessly. yesterday while we were talking and killing time before he got dropped off at the airport, we kept on disagreeing and disagreeing that we suddenly both said "ok, let's stop!" at the same time. it's so draining. now that we're apart, i've been analyzing why i've been a nightmare, and i realized that was my form of denial. because i was too busy being a smartass, i didn't have to think of the fact that i won't see him for a duration that's longer than the time we've been married.

he was not happy with how things went too, so now, inspite of the expensive airfare, he's coming back here this thursday on a pass. we both want this to be a better goodbye, but how can something be better when it's not even a good thing to start with? it doesn't matter. i just miss the boy really bad, and i'm happy i'll see him again for a few days.

oh. and i'm flying back to the philippines. maybe the same day that he's flying back to el paso next week. i know i'm supposed to find a job and stuff but i really can't handle being here the first few months that he's gone. i need a break. and the lucky bitch that i am, i'm even spending christmas in the philippines!

for those who give a rat's ass...some photos we took at the western playland in el paso (new mexico actually, but close enough) and during halloween. notice we didn't have legitimate costumes, we just got to california from a 24-hour drive from el paso and were too tired to go all out. the husband grabbed leis lying around the house, wore one and gave me one that matched what i was wearing. voila! instant ignorant tourists. the kids are gary's nieces and nephews :D