sad news

there are things i'd rather not write about, but i feel like i owe this one to myself.

last saturday, gary and i lost our baby even before we were fully aware we had the chance to be daddy and mommy. funny how i blogged about wanting to be able to say a baby's on the way a few weeks back and i didn't know i was already pregnant back then.

so here's what happened.

we're wanting a baby, but not really trying. trying meaning keeping track of the calendar, BBT thermometer, supplements--nothing like that. we're excited to have our little one--it has been a while, but there's no conscious effort to conceive. anyway, i was delayed for two weeks and gary has been telling me to take a pregnancy test, just to see. i didn't wanna preempt anything so i refused to buy even a home pregnancy kit.

last friday, i suddenly had some spotting. very mild, so i still thought my period was just on its way. you can't blame me, i didn't feel anything different. i wasn't dizzy, no cramping, no swelling. well gary would tease me now and then about my appetite, but i've always been takaw despite being skinny. it was weird though that everyday, my menstruation wouldn't come. when the spotting happened, i finally bought a home pregnancy test. i snuck into the restroom while gary was watching tv, did my thing and got the surprise of my life: instead of just one line, a clear cross formed in the test kit.

now i kinda imagined this before and i always wanted some sort of creative way to let the husband know he's gonna be a dad. but i realized when you're put in that overwhelming situation, you just throw creativity out the window.

"i think i'm pregnant," i told him bluntly, standing by the tv. a little disoriented, he went straight to the restroom to see for himself.

"are you sure you read the instructions right?" he said. i nodded, already crying uncontrollably. he swept me in a big, big hug and said, "yes, i'm gonna be a daddy!"

he wasted no time taking me to the william beaumont army hospital. i was still doubtful whether i was pregnant because like i said, i didn't feel pregnant at all. it was a really long wait to be seen by a healthcare provider, and being there on a friday afternoon, there were tons of people in line too.

gary was unstoppable. he was already planning this and that and all i could do was say, "please wait until they tell us we're pregnant!" a few hours later, i was given a urine test. a few hours more, a doctor finally met us in our hospital room. he said the test came out negative, and my heart just sunk from there.

"there are times when the pregnancy is too early to be detected in tests like these," the doctor said. "i suggest you just wait a few more days or weeks, if your period comes then you're not pregnant, if it doesn't then get another test."

now the husband wasn't pleased by all these. walking into the car he said, "i don't trust that test. it wasn't even a blood test given to you. let's buy another brand of pregnancy test and see." the power of instinct.

we dropped by the pharmacy, got a box of ept and tested again. it didn't even take a minute before the positive sign registered on the stick. this of course left us even more confused.


are these home pregnancy tests credible? the hubby had a funny solution. he tested his urine :P


well of course it turned out negative! by this time though, i was already in a lot of pain. i take this chance to tell everyone who cares to know how utterly lucky i am to have my husband. gary's just wonderful. i can tell he was as scared as i was but he tried to remain cheerful and supportive. he bought me medicine, prepared a hot compress, embraced me, prepared food for me, and stayed up the whole night to watch over me.

the hard part was figuring out what to do. do i take midol? because the test turned out negative, i could just be having my period. do i just endure the pain (which was nothing i ever experienced before in a menstrual period i tell you)? because i tested positive twice and i could be pregnant and taking medicine could be bad for the baby. gary just lulled me and watched me sleep off my pain.

i woke up in the morning soaked in blood and i just freaked out. we both knew something was wrong, and went back to the hospital. the nurse who attended to me first said it was so weird that instead of a blood test, i was given the urine test. she said this time they were getting a blood sample to see once and for all.

i went into a hospital room where a different doctor performed a pelvic exam on me. she said i was doing ok, but the blood test result will be given to me later. the longest five minutes of my life. she came back with an older doctor and i just knew i couldn't handle what was to come on my own. i asked permission to get gary first, who was in the waiting area. when we got there, we braced ourselves for the news.

"you are pregnant. but with the bleeding that has already started and your low levels, it is very unlikely that the baby will come through. this is a very common occurence, and you have nothing to blame yourselves for."

now i already knew this. and we were kinda prepared for the news too, having had that negative test result and having dealt with the disappointment already. but hearing it the way the doctors said it, and suddenly realizing this is a baby--our baby--we're talking about, i just suddenly cried silly in front of everyone.

"oh honey you'll have a baby soon," the older doctor said as they excused themselves and left me and gary to comfort each other. when i was able to compose myself, the nurse came in with some instructions. i need to have a check up and request for an HCG test again just to monitor my levels. we also need to watch out for extended bleeding, chills and fever.
four days now and the bleeding has significantly decreased although clotting is still visible.

i could run everything through my mind and say i should've done this, i could've done that. i mean, i should've tested a lot earlier, been more careful, ate better, slept earlier, what have you. i should've believed i was pregnant when i tested positive so then we could've monitored everything more closely. i could've had the chance to really start a family with gary, channel all our love and attention to a baby that's his and mine alone. but at the end of the day, gary and i just know this much: it's not time yet. call this a rehearsal. at least now we know more about the things we should and should not do.

more than the baby we lost, the real center of the story is my husband. this time, more than ever, is when i realize what they mean when they say you and your spouse are one. i was scared as hell, but seeing him made everything better. knowing my aches are his and that i have someone who will carry this with me no matter what makes me feel complete in more ways than one. i just love him so much, and after everything i've put him through, i just know he loves me so much too.

so we move on from here.