my good soldier

after two days of not hearing from each other, gary was able to call me yesterday. he finally reached iraq, and bought a local sim card to get hold of me. he said they've been moving around a lot, and are leaving their initial FOB to transfer to his final station 30 miles of Kirkuk. i read about this camp online, and well, let's just say it's still not IED-free.

people often ask me how i feel that my husband has the kind of job that he has, and well my answer is you really just don't think about it. well not NOT think about it, but i guess the human mind can condition itself well enough to reduce matters into just one equation: gary and me equals the future, everything else is temporary and is thus surmountable.

so we've been talking and talking last night to make up for lost time. it is INSANE how expensive it is to call iraq from the philippines. i called globe, and smart and sun (which doesn't reach iraq, by the way) to ask for their rates. contrary to what we expected, it's even more expensive if i make the calls compared to him placing them. despite the cost, our communication plan is still for him to text me first then i'll call him, because it's even harder for him to get by a phonecard where he's getting assigned. actually, we're not even sure yet if his new network has coverage in his next stop. the fun never stops! :P

he also went to the internet shop where everybody lines up to get 20 minutes online, and we tried to see each other on webcams. tried, because his cam won't connect to yahoo due to a faulty server. he was able to see me, but i still feel frustrated that i didn't get a glimpse of him even on the computer. as i already mentioned before, gary earns a lot of points for keeping in touch with me no matter what. this is what sustained us for the past years, and even now, he's still doing everything to make this easier for me.

he says he's been eating okay and isn't losing weight, so that's good. he and his troopmates stay together in a tent, on bunk beds. there is nothing at all close to home with his living situation right now. which gets me thinking, the army really has toughen up gary physically, mentally and emotionally.

i remember driving up to california for 24 hours from el paso with him. he of course did all the driving, non-stop. and i mean non-stop.i woke up, and slept, and woke up again in the passenger seat and he was still driving. he didn't stop at all to sleep. the only times he got off the wheel were during rest room breaks! he's also no-nonsense, he'd take whatever you give him (well he's not so easy to please when it comes to the food i cook, but that's another matter...) and he wants everything scheduled and systematic.

there was also this one time we ate at taco bell near our place in el paso from a shopping spree. the mall we came from was really far, and it was raining. so anyway, we ate, and drove home. when we were about to go to the house, i realized i left my bag behind. i just didn't know where. i. had. a. cow! all my important documents were there (okay, okay, 1, don't tell me i was careless, that's more than obvious, and 2, don't ask me anymore why i carry important stuff around, that's just me. end of discussion.) and i was thinking, if i left it at the mall, it'd be impossible to remember where, and even more  impossible to get back.

i was in tears, and i would have perfectly understood if gary got upset with me too. but i guess he's been trained with high tension situations, plus of course he really is a nice guy to start with, he just remained calm the whole time. he asked me systematically what was in my bag, and i winced, waiting for his reaction after i gave him an answer. instead of getting mad, he reassured me anything in there, we can apply for again, it's just we needed to get the bag back to protect my identity and also save us all the hassle. he then asked me to recall when it was with me last. everything to me was in a blur, i was scared i'd be delayed with my plans to come home here in the philippines, i was crying, i wasn't even responsive. he just didn't bother me anymore and did his thing. he drove back as fast as possible to taco bell, was gone for a while and was back with my stuff.

gary really takes pride with what he does for a living, and while i will be the first to say that i want him out of active duty, i will also be the first to say that i am really, really, tremendously proud of him and what he's become.

happy day

the hubby called this afternoon with good news: they're moving to a territory in iraq where there's phone coverage (yes!) and internet (yes!). there won't be a PX store where he could get his dose of american goodies or buy phonecards but i told him he can always purchase online. he's happy. i'm happy. we're happy. :D

just when we thought things couldn't get any harder...

great. gary calls me tonight to say he had to tell me something important, but his line's so choppy we don't get to talk until after dialing a third time. they warn him that the area they're going to in iraq has zero phone coverage and of course, no internet. 'so, like, no word from each other for a year?' i ask, unable to hide my annoyance. 'i don't know babe, i hope not. don't get mad at me for this. what do you want me to do? i'm just as unhappy as you are about the situation,' he says. so we let it slide and hope for the best. i wanna cry.

camp buehring, kuwait

gary finally got to call me twice, first on saturday, then yesterday. he's in camp buehring in kuwait for a two-week briefing before going to iraq. the poor guy didn't even know what day it was. seeing satellite photos of his present assignment makes me want to make him come home if i could. he's pretty positive about everything though. he says he can handle it, and is just looking forward to getting it over with so we can live a normal civilian life.

guess who's back?

so i'm writing this entry at the ungodly hour of 3 am. third day back in the Philippines and I'm still nursing a jetlag. i would like to blame it all on this, but really, it's not just jetlag that's making me feel lost despite being home.

being away from gary makes me realize i neither belong here in bataan nor in santa clara with his family. i belong to him, wherever he is; which, i think it is now safe to say, is in iraq--he already left the states for his deployment yesterday. okay, so i'm speaking figuratively, but i literally feel like a piece of me is missing.

i really have to hand it to him. he does EVERYTHING to keep in touch with me. the boy was on the phone with me every step of the way, i felt like i was on a C130 heading to the middle east. even during refueling in minnesota, he managed to get hold of me to remind me he's always coming back for me no matter what.

i remember what he told me before we left santa clara. he said when he went back to el paso and i was left at his parents', he'd wake up in the morning and his instinct was to reach for me. "i feel like i'm about to lose my mind when i'm not with you." this is pretty much what i'm feeling right now. i enjoy being home, but i can't feel completely at peace with gary away. i'm still waiting to hear from him, which i hope is sooner than later. we have no idea how it's gonna be for us while he's stationed there but i'm confident he'll do everything in his power to touch base.

how was my trip back? unbearable, like i expected it to be. i cannot stress enough how much i dislike airports, and i always have airport stories to tell. for this outing, it was simply an episode from twilight zone. to begin with, all my luggages were overweight. i had a balikbayan box packed by gary, which exceeded the limit by 10 pounds. his brother's balikbayan box (which i was to bring to their other brother here) was a good 6 pounds overweight too. my carry-on luggage was 30lbs, when only 15 lbs was allowed. to top it all, i was hauling a 14.1" toshiba laptop that probably weighed more than i do on my backpack. in the middle of opening balikbayan boxes and weighing my stuff again, i just wanted to leave everything behind. the stress was just too much for a few freaking cans of spam and corned beef!

to make matters worse, the lady at cathay pacific was a total pain in the ass. she was at my throat, telling me she's about to close the counter and i might have to miss my flight. i wanted to give my 'is this the kind of customer service (fill in the company name) has?' speech, but this whole balikbayan business was too tiring i just decided to shut up. i was, of course, last to board.

the only nice thing about this trip was how surprisingly tasty food on cathay pacific was. definitely better than PAL or KLM. while i always thought plane food was bland, the meals for my flights were all really good.

i did not sleep a wink on neither my flight from san francisco to hong kong nor my flight from hong kong to manila. while waiting for my connecting flight at the hong kong international airport, i sat for three hours with filipinos going home from all points of the earth. it was so weird, almost like a ritual, to hear all these people ready to share their biography with complete kababayan strangers. 'i'm coming from vacouver...been there for X years, working as...' or 'i haven't seen the philippines for X years because my kids and i don't get along..' or 'filipino workers are trusted better here in hong kong...so i told my mother not to worry about me' they must've thought i was a total smuck for not wanting to share my lifestory. and as if this display of national bonding weren't enough, at one of the corners of gate 30 gathered some 14 (i counted!) filipino guys watching the replay of the manny pacquiao fight on youtube passionately. it was quite a sight...and i'm filipino!

past the really long trip, the immigration, the luggage retrieval, and all the other inconveniences, i'm happy to be home. i got to see my new nephew jepoy who is just soooo adorable. i got to eat siomai and tinapa. later my brother's coming home from manila and we'll probably be on the magic sing microphone the whole day. if only gary were here then everything would be perfect.

in denial

gary's 10-day official leave before deployment just ended, and he's back in texas while i'm left here in california. he's getting shipped out next week, and things have just been crazy. we've heard non-stop of how difficult deployment could be but we always brushed it off, thinking two years of long distance relationship prepared us for it. not.

we've been fighting and fighting about the smallest stuff (of course he can't beat me on the being difficult factor, but he's a mess too). the uncertainty of the coming year is so heavy that instead of spending quality time together, we just chose to annoy each other endlessly. yesterday while we were talking and killing time before he got dropped off at the airport, we kept on disagreeing and disagreeing that we suddenly both said "ok, let's stop!" at the same time. it's so draining. now that we're apart, i've been analyzing why i've been a nightmare, and i realized that was my form of denial. because i was too busy being a smartass, i didn't have to think of the fact that i won't see him for a duration that's longer than the time we've been married.

he was not happy with how things went too, so now, inspite of the expensive airfare, he's coming back here this thursday on a pass. we both want this to be a better goodbye, but how can something be better when it's not even a good thing to start with? it doesn't matter. i just miss the boy really bad, and i'm happy i'll see him again for a few days.

oh. and i'm flying back to the philippines. maybe the same day that he's flying back to el paso next week. i know i'm supposed to find a job and stuff but i really can't handle being here the first few months that he's gone. i need a break. and the lucky bitch that i am, i'm even spending christmas in the philippines!

for those who give a rat's ass...some photos we took at the western playland in el paso (new mexico actually, but close enough) and during halloween. notice we didn't have legitimate costumes, we just got to california from a 24-hour drive from el paso and were too tired to go all out. the husband grabbed leis lying around the house, wore one and gave me one that matched what i was wearing. voila! instant ignorant tourists. the kids are gary's nieces and nephews :D